Her Take:
It’s exactly the right time for me to write this, because I’m feeling this right now so it’s fresh and raw and I think I have all of the words I need to describe it to you.
Sometimes I don’t know where the anxiety comes from, it’s just suddenly there.
Other times I know where it’s coming from but I’m embarrassed to admit it. For example: one weekend this summer I was suddenly, shockingly, painfully aware that I had no plans and really no one to call to make plans and I spiraled a little bit. Nothing drastic, I just indulged in the overwhelming urge to send a text to my friend from work that said “Hey. Are we real friends, or just work friends?”
Then, when the response was “Definitely real friends. What’s up?” I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. That Anxiety had convinced me that, not only did I not have plans, I didn’t have friends … and never would. I can’t remember how I responded, just that it was as casual as I could bring myself to make it when really I was both SO RELIEVED that I had a real friend (and a text to prove it!) and SO MORTIFIED that I had used the 2018 version of a note that says “Will you be my friend, check Yes or No” that I almost cried.
And you know what? It was the 'Definitely' in that text that made it exactly what I needed. When your brain decides you are definitely a loser and screams it loudly at you all morning long, there's nothing in the world like having someone tell you it's wrong so... definitely.
But today it’s not like that. I know what’s causing my Anxiety and it feels so normal and right to be anxious that I think I can get this all down in words before I get scared. Or, equally likely, before just the process of writing this starts to banish the anxiety for now.
Without going in to too much boring detail, the reason my Anxiety feel so RIGHT, so JUSTIFIED is that I got some tough news about a family member last night and now I have to wait the weekend to see how it gets resolved. No matter what, it will have to be ok. I’ll deal with it because there’s absolutely zero other options, but the waiting is hell.
So, since last night - minus, of course, the time I was asleep - I’m walking around feeling like there’s a whole blown straight in the middle of my guts. It’s so real I can hear the wind whistle through it as I move. In fact, that might be all I hear.
Let’s talk about diminished sensory functions for a second. That sounds fun, right?
Big words, surprising concepts, all good stuff.
Well, ok, it was surprising to me to realize how much Anxiety adversely affects my field of vision. And it KEEPS being surprising Every. Single. Damn. Time. when I look around and realize how much I’m NOT seeing.
When you don’t learn from experience, everything can be an adventure.
(Hah. See, that was almost a joke right there. (Almost.) And that means that, after just 462 words, this is working.)
Back on track. I know that I see less because that’s a stress response. I’m also hearing less because - at least according to this article I found - my stress response is probably triggering tinnitus. If you haven’t heard (Sorry, not sorry for that joke) tinnitus is that annoying ringing you sometimes get in your ears. Some of us are lucky enough to have it a lot and, while stress doesn’t CAUSE it, it can make it worse temporarily.
Yeah, so, that’s me right now.
Actually, as I write, I can feel the Anxiety … um… letting up? … letting go?... becoming transparent?
YES! That last one. Because, in some way, Anxiety feels like a big, gross, wet blanket covering me and everything around me. I have to keep moving but it’s a struggle when you can’t see or hear and, well, don’t really want to move in the first place.
So, there are things - like writing for me - that start to unravel the hold that Anxiety has and, even if it’s not completely gone, I can see well enough to maneuver.
It’s hard to get myself to stop fighting through that stinky, wet Anxiety blanket and focus on something that I know will help. I’m WAY more likely to work myself into a crying jag over something stupid first because I’m inherently bullheaded and unable to love myself enough to give myself a damn break.
But, when I do… damn. It gets better. Just like right now.
His Take:
Anxiety. It’s one of the few emotions that can also be a disease. I have suffered from it for the last..about..11 years. I was anxious before it was “cool”. Now it seems like everyone is on some kind of anxiety medicine. What the hell is going on out there? Did a generation grow up and discover that they couldn’t deal with life? Was Al Gore’s movie about the environment THAT scary? Anxiety used to be called “nerves” and the cure was a mixed drink that usually had a piece of fruit or an olive with a toothpick in the shape of a sword in it. For some people, that’s still the cure.
I have to be honest with you, I fought my anxiety tooth and nail for so long. A lot longer than I should have because it eventually convinced me to attempting suicide. That led me to a week’s vacation in the hospital. Not the usual kind of hospital, as you can imagine. The whole thing started with something that I don’t care to talk about. We’ll just call it “the bad day”. So, the bad day happens and I deal with it as best as I can, and keep moving. About a week later when I was getting ready for work, I suddenly felt like I didn’t want to go. This was different from the normal “I don’t want to go to work today” that everyone feels all the time. This was more of a fear based feeling. Like, I couldn’t bear the thought of having to go into work and facing my coworkers or customers. I went, but ended up spending most of my day in the back working on stuff, not really having to interact with anyone. Even then I didn’t feel the greatest, something was clearly wrong.
Over the next few months it got worse. I kept getting new symptoms and I sank further into not wanting to interact with people outside my family. One morning, I remember having a panic attack at the thought of returning an email of a friend that I’d known since high school. I noticed that sometimes my hands would get this weird feeling in them. Like needles were doing a dance on my palms combined with a really strong tingling feeling. Later, my feet would start experiencing the same thing. Other things followed until it all became what I thought was too much for me to take. But, thanks to the love of family and friends, I made it through.
Comments
Post a Comment