Our Words for 2020

Her Take: Hi! Let me spend just a minute over explaining something right here are the top, ok? I like to do this because it gives me a chance to worry about something that no one else is even thinking about and then, by explaining that thing, make them aware that they should be. It’s a terrible idea, and yet here I go: When I suggested this week’s topic to my co-blogger, I knew it was a little weird and new age-y and he had every right not to let me drag him into the fuzzy, tie-dyed abyss that is my own brain, but he said yes. He’s awesome. 

Now I’m about to write and I’m worried that you, my friend, will also think it’s a little hippy-dippy and not take it seriously, but I have to let that go. You’re about to find out why. 

I wanted to have a better ‘Word for 2020’, I really did. Something cool and inspiring like ‘PURPOSE’ or ‘COURAGE’ - all in capital letters like that, obviously, and probably also emblazoned on a wall hanging or, at the very least, on a coffee cup that I can take endless Instagram pics with and heavily filter them - but here we are. Just like Batman, it’s not the word I want, it’s the word I deserve. 

My word for 2020 is ‘Capacity’. 

Ugh. Look at it. Just sitting up there in it’s little computer chair with it’s pocket protector and it’s sensible shoes. Why couldn’t it be ‘DIVINE’ or ‘MASTERY’? 

I’ll tell you why: because it’s what I need to understand right here and right now, and I need to not forget it once the New Year is really over. I struggle with my capacity and 2020 is the year for me to overcome that, even if it’s not all that sexy.  

The irony is that, by all accounts, I’ve made it to a time where I should have not just the most free time, but the most freedom to choose what I do with that time, since I was 21 and my oldest son was born. I’ve transitioned over the last couple of years from a full-time caregiver (with a full time job and a full time house) to someone who really just needs to say or do the right thing when the moment comes and keep to herself a lot of the rest of the time.

In other words, I should be at the peak of my capacity, right?

Instead I feel scattered, exhausted, and overwhelmed most of the time. To be clear: I feel just like I did when my kids were all little, which seems wrong. That’s why, as much as I’m fighting it, I have to think about my capacity. 

Here’s what I know so far: When my time started to free up as my kids got older, I gradually started to fill it. At first it was this exciting journey where I realized that I could MAKE something or FIX something or just WALK AWAY and not worry about the time I was taking away from those precious little humans that I created (or the one I married who has always been the most needy… or am I just writing this to get a rise out of him and prove he reads the blog?). It was this glorious, almost guilt-free process of rediscovering who I actually was. It seemed magical for a while. 

I took up photography, joined a local Habitat for Humanity board, and just generally revelled in the feeling of being able to stay away from home past supper time (appreciative gasp!). 

Things rolled on that way for a while and, even though I should have been feeling like something close to the best I’ve ever felt, I didn’t. Every time I was faced with the choice of WHAT to do when I didn’t have anything I HAD to do, I was paralyzed by the idea that I was doing the wrong thing. I want to take time to take the camera out, but there are dishes staring at me from the sink. I could take a nice long walk, but I should mow the lawn. Are you getting how insidious this is? No matter what I wanted to to, when I could make the choice, there was something else I ‘should’ be doing. You live someplace and have a human body to take care of, right? There’s LITERALLY always some kind of upkeep you could be doing and, let’s be honest, you could work every waking minute of every day and you wouldn’t catch up. 

So I started doing the next best thing… nothing. 

Well, not exactly nothing, but nothing useful. I sit here today and, quite possibly, the most knowledgeable person you know on the topics of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Queer Eye, and also, I guess, other shows that don’t represent the LGBTQ community, even though I can’t think of any off the top of my head. I went from sashaying through the mind-garden of ultimate freedom to smooshing down on the couch, feeling sorry for myself and crying whenever Jonathon gave someone a really great blow-out. 

Here’s what I learned: 

#1 A french tuck looks good on almost everyone, but I can’t really pull it off. 

And, more importantly, #2 ‘Free Time’ is not equal to CAPACITY. 

In a classic Doctor-Ian-Malcom-from-Jurrasic-Park Paradox, I had spent so much time trying to figure out if I could do something, that I forgot to ask if I should. 

It’s only now that I realize I had been in such a hurry to fill the time that would have been filled for me five years ago, that I never stopped to consider what I was filling it with. Because almost everything I was doing seemed healthy - a new hobby, exercise, volunteering, not doing crack, keeping up the house and the yard - it seemed like I should do all of it, all of the time. PLUS, if I was DOING that stuff, I didn’t have to listen to my insecurities telling me that I had aged out of my usefulness. 

Ugh. I don’t love thinking about that, but there it is.

Near the end of last year it started to dawn on me - probably when I had run out of both Queer Eye and Drag Race to watch and wasn’t sure when the next season of Pose was coming on - that I had run out of capacity. 

Gone. Zero. Zip. Zilch. 

I had manically filled every second of my life and then, when I couldn’t do any more, I had imploded. There was no more energy left to do the things I wanted to do, I had expended it all. 

.

Here’s how I picture this: We are charming, walking, talking beach buckets. On a good day we wake up pretty much empty and, scoop by scoop, the sand of life is dumped in. Oversleep a little? That’s a scoop. Car problems? That’s at least two scoops, maybe three. Stressful job? That’s probably eight nice, big scoops of sand weighing you down at the end of the day. 

And you, you clever little bucket, can get filled all the way to the tippy-tippy top if you’re not careful. You can carry all of that weight with you, even when you’re asleep, and wake up just as overwhelmed as you were when you closed your eyes the night before. 

But here’s the happy news, we don’t have to stay full like that. We can gain back some of our capacity. Eat a healthy meal and get a good night’s sleep? Some of that sand goes away. Give yourself (totally guilt-free) time to enjoy your favorite hobby? That frees up a lot of space. Keep doing that day after day? THAT’S HOW you achieve top capacity!

See how that works?

So, I figured that much out, the next step is to making a change. I have to find ways to unload my beautiful bucket and start fresh every day with space to live. 

This blog is my first step. Remember how I told you (oh so long ago) that I can’t worry if you think picking a word for the year is silly? 

Yeah.. I can’t let that worry fill up my bucket, friend. 

His Take:

I had to pick just one word to represent what 2020 will be for me,  I guess it would have to be: single-minded. I know, that seems like two words, but it really is one word thanks to the hyphen. I have a goal that I’d like to accomplish this year and to do so will take nothing but absolute concentration, and laser focus. I really can’t afford to avert my attention anywhere else but on this. The goal isn’t impossible, but it’s improbable. I’ve seen it done by people with a LOT less talent and commitment that I have. Still, it’s gonna take a lot of hard work, imagination, and sacrifice.

I think it’s good to strengthen your resolve once in a while. It’s a muscle, a skill and you should work exercise those just like you do your actual skills and muscles. I find it rewarding when I set my mind on accomplishing something and charge headfirst into it and not stop until it’s finished. Once you get into that zone, it’s even hard to pull yourself our of it.  A little hard work never hurt anyone, right? I won’t even attempt to list a fraction of the things that we wouldn’t have today if someone had given up after a couple of tries. I’m only guessing, but I’m thinking about 90% of the world would be a very, very different place. Colonel Sanders, Rodney Dangerfield, Samuel Jackson, Julia Child, even the creator of Wal-Mart, Sam Walton didn’t find success until later in life. Just think how different things would be if they’d have all given up when they were young.

Diamonds are made by pressure and I think that’s when we shine, too, Pressure forces us to perform better faster, forces us to be more creative, forces us to think outside the box for solutions that we normally wouldn’t get with traditional thinking. But, add even the slightest bit of pressure and our minds start scrambling for other ways to solve problems. It’s almost like having an additional mind working on whatever it is that you’re working on.

So, getting back to my 2020, it’s gonna be rough, but I can take it. I have to be careful not to overload myself, I’ve done that before and honestly, it takes too long to get back on my feet. Planning is a vital part of the process. When you plan, you can budget in all sorts of things. You can add time for the unexpected, you can figure in time for periods where you can ease back on the throttle a little bit, and most importantly you can write-in some time for playing around, which is another part of the process that’s just as important as anything else. If you don’t give your brain time to do nothing, it’ll overheat and that’s not really gonna be good in the long run.

So yeah, I’ll be single-minded this year. Intent on accomplishing one outcome, one result, and there’s about 52 mile markers until I get there. Wish me luck!